So, We Did This Last Night…


/ / {This is the view from our window… with our indoor tree in the foreground and the reflection of both trees in the window, each mimicking each other.}


 {This is the view of our living room from our back yard standing next to her tree… what she could see of us if she could see us.}


/ /
I don’t mean to sound as though I make light of our tree-lighting {the first year in what will become a long-standing tradition}… the way the title of my post might have made it sound. But it does all feel a bit surreal. It’s hard to believe that tree out there in our yard was planted for her… planted with her… her ashes right there in the ground along with the roots.

It’s hard to believe that this was all for her, or that she came to us in the first place… and most of all, that we lost her. I would have never imagined planting a tree to memorialize a lost baby… not even just two years ago. So, as lovely an act as it was, it was very surreal to be stringing twinkle lights around her tree.

But it was equally special. The best part of the whole act of tribute from beginning to end was when Mr. B shared his thoughts about how to make it even more special than if we had simply put up some pretty white lights. His idea… yes, his idea… was to switch out one of the white bulbs with one pink bulb from a colored strand that we bought for that one pink bulb and that one pink bulb only. One pink light for our one sweet baby girl.

We’re four days away from her first birthday and ten days away from Christmas. This felt like the perfect thing to do. From the moment we decided we’d be planting a tree for her {which we always knew we wanted to be an evergreen}, we knew we’d be covering it in white lights for her Christmas-time birthday. And we knew we’d do it every single year. This was the first year. Like this last blurry and ethereal image, I sometimes wonder if it’s all real. How easy to think it was all a dream when I have barely enough of the tangible to make me remember how real it was… is.

But it is.

So, we did this last night.