Bring Me Up Again

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I was reminded of these verses from the Psalms by a friend today. It was so good to read the words in them, as they spoke so much to the struggle that has been these past several weeks… wondering how anything redeeming could come out of the life-altering loss, pain and changes we’ve experienced… and are experiencing still.

She wrote of her daily reading in the Psalms today,

Verse 20 says, ‘Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me again.’ David goes on to base this, again, on the character of God—on His faithfulness. Even though David acknowledges that these troubles were even authored by God {‘you have made me see troubles’}, he also is confident that in the final analysis, God will bring about good for him, because God is good.
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My prayer for you is that while you are able to mentally acknowledge this as truth, that someday you will feel it rock solid in your spirit…that someday, as you heal, and your grief works itself through, you will say with the confidence and certainty of one who has experienced it, that God is all He has promised to be.”

It’s really interesting to watch the same during-pregnancy grief process start all over again and unfold very similarly post-pregnancy… after watching our daughter be born and pass. But one of the things I never once experienced during my pregnancy was this sense of ruin… a sense that life as I knew it is ruined. Though terribly painful to wait for my daughter to be born only to likely lose her, I felt a strong sense that beauty would someday arise out of it all. Here, afterward, it’s not as easy to see that. And these days have been spent struggling to see anything other than lives affected beyond anything redeemable.

So imagine the comfort I find in these verses. I can imagine David’s pleas to God. And when I can’t yet quite declare that God will “bring me {us} up again” as David does, I do hold on to the hope that God will, just as he believed it for himself.

The “comfort me again” part seems doable. It’s the “increase my greatness” part that I struggle with… the idea of restoration. I guess I don’t know any other way to put it than I have… I just have a hard time seeing what redeeming thing could come of all this and how our lives could be restored.

But that’s just depression talking, I believe… just raw, troubling pain that has come more and more to the surface as the days pass {and the reason I haven’t been blogging very much lately}. Not ashamed to say so, I’ve put myself in weekly counseling with a therapist {or bi-weekly if I can get by} to find better ways to cope. The depression, grief and pain can be managed this way, or so I hope.

The rest?… I just can’t see that far ahead.

So I very much cling to these verses.

I’m so grateful to sort of carry them in my heart as we enter these weeks when we focus on the resurrection. They take on much more meaning right now, as does the reason we celebrate Easter.

To be completely honest, what I wrote about above hasn’t even been on my heart as much most recently. The troubled spirit I had for so many days sort of went into back-burner mode as I spent many hours preparing our house {painting the guest room being the biggest distraction} for family to stay with us, and then several days with them here. Only once or twice did all that pain flare up during that time. But I knew it would be waiting for me to face as soon as our guests left.

So today, the first full day since my husband’s in-laws have departed, I feel a bit of a winding down, figuring out where to land. Wherever I am at the moment, it doesn’t seem to be quite back where I left off before all the preparations. But that’s a good thing. I’m hoping it’s at least one step up from there, even though I know there will be moments that I take steps back.

Maybe it helped that today’s weather was warm and sunny and I got even more done on our house post-visit {unlike most times that I have visitors in which I don’t keep the momentum of housework going after they leave}. And I’m sure it helped to have a sweet friend stop by with coffee just to sit and chat with me. She is the one who took all the photos of Anysia at the hospital, and tonight was the first time we saw her since that day. She may not know it, but it was so good for my heart to see her, and because of her most precious gift of documenting our time with our baby girl, our friend will forever be held in a special place in our hearts and will forever be welcome in our home.

Of course, nice weather and time with friends are both something I always enjoyed and have always been grateful for. To have found enjoyment in them today, though, shows me something to see hope in… that if those simple pleasures {gifts} can be restored, everything else can, too.

And so I will wait…

{…hoping, tonight, that there are those who might happen upon the verses above and find hope in them, as well.}

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